Thursday, November 01, 2007
-330th Post-
Post number 330! What a nice, rounded number. I can't wait for post number 777. Imagine how long that would take me though. A year? Two years? Three? Thirty? Most likely one of those among the latter.
Would any of you be reading this, a year, two years, three years later? Twenty? Would I have deleted my blog by then? Would I have turned into such an annoying, chirping, backstabbing bitch (one of the many that litter this earth), so much so that nobody bothers coming over to check out if I'm still breathing? Will this blog even matter to me as much then as it does now?
I feel the same fear I felt as a very small kid (four? five?). It messes up my stomach and makes me feel queasy. It messes with my head and I feel the old friend-slash-adversary paranoia creeping up again. Yes, paranoia was a frequent visitor, a good friend, a daily customer, when I was younger. Everything from imminent death to the end of the world, from Santa Claus to fairies, scared me.
Paranoia was a big problem for me. I'd stay up worrying. I'd bit my nails to the quick (and that's another issue for another post). And then I'd worry that my fingers would fall off because I bit my fingernails (a tale someone told me to try and get me to stop biting my nails: if you bite your nails, a ring forms around your finger and your finger falls off. Obviosuly, it didn't work). I wrote a special prayer to Jesus, asking Him to please not let my fingers fall off.
I spent ages hanging around my mother, asking her questions. Does Santa Claus exist? What if the world crashed into the sun (as it would in the future)? What would happen if I died? Would it be like sleep, like black nothingness? Would I still be able to think?
I was scared of everything.
Truth be told, I have no idea how I overcame it. I guess I grew out of it. Because the last I remember, I was ever as paranoid in primary school.
If you're wondering what sparked off this memory, it's because this link reminded me of all the times I stayed up worrying in the night, wondering how small I really was and what it was really like out there.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071031/sc_afp/usastronomy2_071031201428
.... How I wish I never read that article now.
I'm queasy.
| so spoken! @ 7:56 PM|
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